I have never wanted to be mediocre at anything. As a kid, I wanted to be really good at something, even if I didn't know what it was. My parents said that I had talent, and I was smart. I believed them. I figured I would grow up to do something spectacular, to be someone special, but I didn't know who or what that would be.
I admired those who knew at a young age what they wanted to "be" when they grew up. I have a friend who knew from 7th grade that he wanted to be a doctor. 40 years later, he continues to practice medicine. And now, as a 53 year old mom of 7, I finally realize that I too have always known what I wanted to be. I have always wanted to be a mom. But while living my dream job for the past 22 years I kept asking myself, "What else do I want to do? What should I be doing? What do you want me to do God?"
This realization that I belong in my home for my children and husband has been in me always, but I kept pushing it down. Why? Why fight what I have always known? Well, honestly, it just didn't seem like enough. And even on days when I couldn't keep up with what I had to do, I felt like I was supposed to be doing more. So lately as I've been trying to figure out who I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to do, I am overwhelmed by the feeling that the one thing that I never wanted to be--mediocre--I have become.
As I was walking the dog the other day, talking to God, I asked him the same question that I always do. "What do you want me to do God?" I got almost irritated that the same response He always gives, in the form of a picture of my family, came to my mind. "But I want to do something really big, really important. I want to change the world, make it a better place," and at the back of my mind, I'm ashamed to admit, "make a name for myself while doing it."
Thinking more deeply about it all, I realize that over the years as I have been praying, God has been telling me the same thing over and over and over. "Your mission is your children. The children I have given you. Be content with what you are doing because it is so very important to me. Raise your children well, intentionally, with love and joy and patience and self control and kindness, with all of your talents."
How does this translate to mediocrity? Even though being a mom is what I have always wanted, I have never allowed myself to be all in. I have been pushing myself because of the world's standards. I have felt incomplete because when I decided to stop working, and earning 'real' money it felt like the job I was doing wasn't quite as important, even when I knew it was. I love my children, but... The but almost always came in because I've always felt the pressure to do more. In my heart I didn't believe that what I was doing was enough. God is changing my heart, or I couldn't even write this.
In 2016 I have finally decided to be the mom God wants me to be. All in, unashamed, confident in my choice. I choose to tap into the joy of parenting my children in a better way. A God-filled way.
Does this mean that my house will all of a sudden be pinterest perfect? or that my kids will always be sharply dressed, have well put together lunches and snacks and projects, or that I will be the mom who makes a name for herself because she does it all? Nope. I want to be the mom who makes a name for herself with her kids. My kids love me. They need me, they want me around. The kind of mom I want to be is one who is there leading, guiding, laughing, teaching, and taking really good care of who she has.
I am not a perfect parent, but I am not mediocre. Without God, my perfect parent, I cannot do it. My goal for my children is the same as my goal for myself: to be the person that God has uniquely created so that He be glorified.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well." Psalm 139: 13-14